Why I Hate the Chiefs
A lot of my friends and most of my family think I’m a hater when it comes to sports. While I admit I’m only truly happy when I am slightly miserable about something, I’m trying hard to be more of a “dislike-a-lot” kind of guy than a purebred hater of certain teams and athletes.
But thennnnnnnn there’s the Kansas City Chiefs.
It takes a truly remarkable team to make me forget how much I despised the Patriots during the Brady-Belichik era. Or is that the Belichik-Brady era? We will let Patsholes gnash their teeth over that weighty question. But the Chiefs have boat-raced the Patriots as the easiest-to-hate franchise in football if not of all sports.
I’ll admit it. I. Hate. The. Chiefs. Capital H, capital T, capital C.
Here are a few reasons why.
Patrick Mahomes’ Voice
An entire blog could be written on why I find Patrick Mahomes so annoying. At the top of the list must of course be his voice, which sounds like an angry squirrel getting neutered. It’s annoying enough as he audibles jibberish at the line of scrimmage, but achieves epic proportions when heard on innumerable (insufferable?) State Farm ads. I’m a State Farm customer. Hearing Mahomes every 15 minutes hawking bundled insurance plans makes me want to hit the mute button first, then call Geico second.
2. Brittany
Watch the Netflix show “Quarterback” and you will need no explanation from me. The TLDR version is that Brittany Mahomes screeches, “C’mawn Baybe!!!” in a way that will nauseate even the most hardened stomach … over and over and over and over again. When he runs for a 7-yard gain. When he flops out of bounds. When he completes a pass. When he picks up a laundry basket. When he climbs into his Escalade. When he puts his headband on. You get the picture. Bonus points to Brit for naming her children after metals. Nothing says “I love my kid” quite like naming them after items on the Periodic Table of Elements.
3. Travis Kelce
I primarily hate Kelce because he’s so good. To look at him lumbering up the field and ALWAYS finding an open space in a zone defense is almost as nauseating at Brittany’s love-call to Baybe. Why defenses don’t just double him on every play is beyond me.
4. The TayTay Show
I have to be careful here because my son’s fiancée is a Swiftie. Nothing against her music or the fact she is a strong, confident woman. Good for her! But the NFL and the networks have overdone it with the constant, breathless cutaways to TayTay and her BFFs … who will it be this week!!?? … every time Kelce catches a pass or makes a crisp block on the edge. WE DON’T CARE!
5. Harrison Butker
Not to get too political, but I don’t care how good a kicker he is – Butker sounds like an ass. I’ll leave it at that.
6. Mahomes’ Fingers
I said at the top I could write an entire blog on Mahomes; I just can’t help myself. Before every play ends, before the whistle blows, before he flops to pick up a 15-yarder, Baybe cocks his arm in the direction of his bench and impatiently motions with his fingers for the next play to come in. I literally want to snap those fingers off and feed them to Butker’s schnauzer.
7. The Flop
Baybe’s flop is the envy of every Premier League soccer player who has ever played the game. The difference is that at least in soccer there’s usually some small amount of contact. With Baybe, the flop is preceded by a deke and then a dramatic self-hurl to the sideline with no one laying a glove on him except the refs when they help him back up. Note to the Eagles defense: if you’re going to get an unnecessary roughness penalty anyway -- and make no mistake about it, you will -- please at least inflict some pain.
8. Refs at Every Chiefs Game
Which brings us to the zebras. I see it, you see it, Chiefs fans see it, Premier League players see it, the President of Mexico sees it, children in preschool who don’t know what football is see it, actual zebras on the savannah see it. Everyone sees it except Roger Goodell. The Chiefs get EVERY SINGLE call (just ask Josh Allen) and there has never been a quarterback in the league more protected than Baybe. I’m convinced there’s a class all refs must go through on how to properly tackle him. First, a defensive player must gently wrap his arms around Baybe’s upper torso while a second player places his hands around Baybe’s ankles. The two of them then lift the Chosen One up and gently lay him on the turf in the fetal position. Anything else is an automatic 15-yard penalty.
9. Post-Game Sportsmanship
Maybe it’s because he doesn’t have a lot of experience in how to be gracious after a loss, but C’mawn Baybe, you can do better! The way he whined to Josh Allen at midfield after Kadarius Toney’s offside penalty wiped away a gimmick touchdown when the Bills beat the Chiefs in the regular season was utterly classless.
Of course, I must confess that perhaps the biggest reason why I hate the Chiefs is because they’re so freaking good. You don’t win consecutive Super Bowls on flukes.
That said, I along with most of America I presume, would dearly love to see Baybe, Kelce, TayTay, Butker and the refs have to be gracious in defeat – if that’s even in their DNA -- when the Eagles beat them in the Super Bowl.
I don’t like Philly…but I hate the Chiefs!
