We live in troubled times. Nothing is certain anymore. Divisiveness and confusion are the norm, and each and every day I find myself questioning what could possibly happen tomorrow that, as a species, humans are ill-prepared to handle.
Thank god for the hapless Mariners. Because between our home town team, the swallows of San Juan Capistrano and the IRS, I do believe those are the only three things in life that can be counted on anymore with any certainty.
There comes a point in every Mariners season where I am confronted with the duality of my feelings toward this perennially maddening team. I love them one week. Hate them the next. The only difference this year is that they waited until late-August to lance my heart. There have been seasons in the past where that moment occurred in May or June – but almost all of them before the All-Star game. So I’ll give that to them. This year they strung me along a bit longer than usual.
But…and there’s always a but with the M’s…for the past 16 years, the only thing you can count on with any degree of reliability is that – just when you are ALL IN -- they gag like a young Tom Phillips being forced to eat Brussel Sprouts.
Recent examples: they go 6-3 on a tough road trip through Texas, Kansas City and Oakland. They come home to a city that is fired up. Playoff fever baby! Sports talk radio is agog. The city of Seattle is in a frenzy because we have a one game lead on the second wild card slot…
Let’s pause right there for a moment. Unlike in the NFL, where the wild card is a legit playoff spot, in Major League Baseball, it’s a carny show barker simply drawing attention to the main attraction. It’s ONE GAME PEOPLE…it’s not the playoffs. It’s a participation medal…but I digress…
…The stage is set for the M’s to take this city by storm and create some bonafide excitement. And then…as only the M’s can do, they step on the rake smack themselves in the nose. They cough up a four-game sweep to the Angels and back it up with a two-game gag to the Orioles. At home.
Then, more recently, they go on road trip that starts out well in Tampa and Atlanta, going 4-2, then promptly lose five of their next six to the Yankees and Baltimore. That pffffffffffffffting sound you hear? Yeah, that….it’s the M’s blowing another shot at exorcising the demons and making it to the post-season for the first time since the Dow was in the four digits.
So yes, you can count on the M’s to provide a degree of equilibrium in a world fraught with uncertainty. Here are 10 other things you can always count on with the Ms:
1. When their starting pitchers shine, their bullpen will blow leads.
2. When their pitching is great, the offense will go in the tank – witness the M’s scintillating performance earlier this week when they banged out a single hit … a bunt no less … in a game against the Orioles
3. You can count on the fact that Kyle Seager will start each season in a deep funk and only hit after it ceases to matter. We’ve got the wrong Seager on our team
4. When the heat is on, the defense will wilt. Five errors in one inning…a record the M’s can proudly call their own.
5. You can count on Edwin Diaz to be either lights out or Fernando Rodney revisited. Depends on which way the wind is blowing.
6. You can count on never seeing Robbie Cano run out a ground ball to first base.
7. You can count on the M’s sucking oxygen out of an entire city just when it’s starting to come alive.
8. You can count on Rick Rizzs putting a happy face and sing-songy exclamation mark on everything this team does, good or bad.
9. You can count on the sound of Jay Buhner’s voice to be the worst kind of rock salt that can possibly be poured into a wound.
10. And you can absolutely count on … take it to the bank and mortgage the farm … that just when the M’s reel off 8 out of 10 and get everyone pumped, they will go on a soul destroying losing streak.
I have jammed my fork in the Mariners for another season. Disillusioned that this team seems perpetually mired in mediocrity, but somehow reassured that in a chaotic world, there are some things that will never change. Thank god for the home town club.
In other news…all together now…
GO HAWKS!!!!